Having some generalized anxiety as it is, a “pandemic” certainly doesn’t help me keep calm.
I have anxious and OCD tendencies, and not in the way people joke, “Oh I’m so OCD!” (Which, by the way isn’t a very funny joke to people who, in fact, suffer from these things.) I’ve gone through times in my life that these things present themselves more than others, for example big transitions, times of uncertainty, and definitely postpartum. But a pandemic... this is new for me. Even when there was the swine flu and the avian flu, it didn’t seem that real to me for some reason. Maybe it was because I didn’t have little children? Or because we never once talked about our plan in case we needed to close school? For many reasons, I avoid news about things like this, but it’s hard to avoid when it’s all over every platform. I checked in with a friend today, who struggles with some of the same anxieties as I do, and she shared some resources with me that have been helping her combat the worry, which I appreciated very much. She also left me with this quote, which I’m letting sink in tonight. “Whilst worriers usually dislike the fact that they worry so much, they also often hold positive beliefs that worrying is beneficial and helpful. It is these positive beliefs about the usefulness of worrying that can get us worrying in the first place. Some positive beliefs may be: Worrying helps me find solutions to problems Worrying helps me understand problems Worrying motivates me to do things Worrying prepares me for the worst Worrying helps me avoid bad things Worrying prevents bad things Worrying is doing something Worrying shows I care.” (For more of this: https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Worry-and-Rumination) So in this moment of worry; moment of feeling so out of control, I’m trying to remind myself that this worry does NOT serve me; desperately trying to control what I can, and let the rest go. If this doesn’t affect you this way, I’m really glad for you. If it does, know you’re not alone.
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It’s funny that when you have a toddler, you get used to hearing odd things.
Today’s request, that didn’t even make me think twice, was, “Mama, can I put my fingers in your nostrils?” Even better was my response, “Not right now.” As though later may be a better time for that. Target trips are a lot different than they used to be.
Today’s started with a text, “Is she still asleep?” Sent to my mom to see if I could steal 5 minutes on my way home from work, to stop before the baby woke up. I dashed in and grabbed baby saline nose spray, adult saline nose spray, and boogie wipes (You can decide which of us you think those are for.). I got these essentials so quickly I felt like I’d have an extra minute to grab a treat. I stood between the ice cream and beer sections at the far side of the store, contemplating for long enough, when I got the text, “She’s up.” Beer. It was the picture perfect example of a kid enjoying the outdoors.
Kellan ran, giggling, giddy about being able to finally be outside. He ran and ran down the gully on the edge of our yard as my husband and I watched, also a little giddy. “This is the dream.” I thought. Laughing. Running. Laughing. Running! Face down in swampy water. Screaming. Crying. Screaming. Crying. It was one of those situations where, as parents, our outward appearances were of empathy, but we looked at each other and laughed when he couldn’t see. “I’m covered in MUCK!” He screamed between sobs. Examining his hands, truly, full of green slime and plant life, I pulled off his sopping wet shoes and socks, and then his pants. He quickly went inside to change and emerged very confident that he “never, ever” wanted to go in that muck again. Spending time with friends tonight was just what we needed.
We ordered in some Chipotle and played with magnet tiles through most of the night. Our friends entertained the toddler and I got to hold their new baby. A nice relaxing Saturday. Unfortunately that means all school work will need to wait until tomorrow. But it was so worth it! When toddlers start to get opinions, it’s both amazing and obnoxious.
My son came with me to my school’s family fun night tonight. I couldn’t enjoy much time with him, since I was helping work one of the games, but for a while, he and my husband came to the cake walk room to visit. I had to convince him to walk around the numbers, then wait for a number to be called. Finally when he won, we approached the spread of sweet treats to choose from. I pointed out a delicious looking, giant chocolate cupcake. For a moment I had him convinced and he agreed, “Yes! I want that cupcake!” Then he saw another baked good next to it. Something called “mini chocolate tea cakes.” I’m not saying they didn’t look good, but they were no giant chocolate cupcake. And to be honest, I had been eyeing the giant chocolate cupcake all day since the students brought it in and we set things up on the counter. But of course, toddlers have opinions. So now it’s after 9pm, he’s in bed, and I stand in my kitchen and eat mini chocolate tea cakes. Today my class had a “fraction bootcamp.”
Don’t know what fraction boot camp is? Neither did I until the last 15 min of school on Wednesday when I invented it. Basically, the students rotated through stations practicing all of their operations with fractions. I decided to add an incentive to accurate completion too. For every page or skill they finished or passed, they added a sticker to a hundreds chart. They would shout “Got a sticker!” And everyone in the class would respond, “Whoo!!” It was wild and loud and crazy and chaotic. But I could see pride, accomplishment, effort (and dare I say fun?) in the math class that has been really lacking those things recently. Walk in, baby on hip.
Dig through freezer, beep beep, 400 degrees, start. Plates slapped on the counter, condiments readied. Toddler yelling “Snack while I wait!” Spin toward the Pyrex cabinet. Three containers for three lunches. Lunchboxes lined up, ready to be filled. Scooping, cutting, rinsing, arranging. (One handed, baby still in tow.) Packing, stacking, zipping. Count the snacks, bags in the fridge. Dinner’s served, lunches made. Mama can multitask. The only thing sadder than a teal and purple Care Bear Bandaid on a chunky 6 month old thigh, is that teal and purple Care Bear Bandaid with the little edge slightly folded over, stuck on the chunky 6 month old thigh.
Sad, because it took the nurse an extra 15 seconds to unfold half of the bandaid that had stuck to itself. 15 whole extra seconds my baby screamed after her shots, that I couldn’t scoop her up and tell her Mama was there for her. Plopping a tired, sore baby in the bath tonight and carefully peeling off that Bandaid, I gently rubbed the little blood spot away from her skin and tried not to be angry at the nurse. When we walked into the room, with everything just his size, Kellan clung to my leg, but peeked around me, intrigued.
“How old are you?” The teacher asked. He didn’t want to answer. “Do you want to go outside and see what the other kids are doing?” Without a sound, he said yes with his smile. As we walked to the back of the one-room-school-house and he saw the playground space, he started to dance his little legs, kicking back and forth, twisting his top half the opposite direction, while pumping his fists. His demeanor had quickly turned! Another student approached him and he happily followed her back to the play structure. The teacher ushered us inside, guaranteeing that if he went looking for us, the assistant outside would bring him in. But...he didn’t come looking for us. I peeked out at him a few minutes later and he was sliding down the slide with a smile across his face. My heart is bursting, yet aching, realizing preschool is already a reality for our baby, and that he’s more than ready for this next adventure. |
Author5th grade teacher, wife, mama to my 3 magical babies, ally, advocate, doggy foster mom... just stumbling on. Archives
March 2022
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